Gamblers Anonymous

Travis's Story
Travis : 16th May 2004

A young man's story.

My name is Travis, and I am a Compulsive Gambler. As I write this piece, I am trying to sum up my attitude towards life before I entered the fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous. To keep it simple, I guess that I have always had the "take a short cut" mentality rather than working hard at achieving something. As an eight year old boy, I can clearly remember getting into trouble in primary school for day-dreaming, staring out the window rather than listening to the teacher. As a ten year old boy, trying desperately to live up to the expectations of my parents, I remember quickly developing the habit of lying rather than accepting blame for any failure in my life (no matter how small). This often shifted blame to those who were innocent (usually through my false accusations). These early character defects, developed in order to avoid any hard work at all, continued into my high school days. I often found myself lying to teachers because I hadn't completed required work ("why should I have to?" was always my favourite justification).
I even dabbled at forgery when documents were sent home regarding my disruptive or inattentive behavior. The consensus was that I wasted so much of my potential .
I often found myself lying in social situations, bragging of accomplishments that I had never achieved in order to be accepted within the teenage social community. I guess I was becoming insecure by this stage and I desperately wanted everybody to accept me. Somewhere along the way, my day-dreaming ability developed far more than I could have imagined. I was to learn this fact the hard way.

I really cannot define a point in my life where I began to gamble. I have distinct memories of playing poker with my younger and older Brother at about eight years of age. With the popularity of Personal Computers increasing at the time, I found that playing poker by myself (on the PC) was a far more rewarding experience.
I could sneak downstairs at night and play, with no one to interrupt me. Bets on trivia, word spelling and football matches were scattered throughout my high school days.
I remember distinctly being dragged off a poker machine by my parents back in 1992. We were at a family function and I was only 17. My dream-world, which had gambling as its basis, had well and truly begun to take shape by this stage.

From the legal age of gambling (18), I had found my escape mechanism from fear, rejection, self loathing and life in general. The dream of winning the lottery was always within my grasp (so I thought). By the age of 19, I was spending three or four nights a week in a Bingo hall. The Bingo hall also had a lottery agency complete with scratch tickets, break opens and a lucky ticket machine. By my 20th Birthday, the Poker Machine venues had begun to be my favoured haunt. Within a few short months, I was spending money faster than what I could earn it. Within a year, I was broke; playing the Lottery three nights a week and playing Poker Machines every available second that I could. Countless warnings had come my way by this stage, from family, friends and acquaintances, but I shrugged them all off. If people objected to my gambling, I would have to make sure that no body knew. That was when my life really began to deteriorate.

My gambling continued for another two years, progressively getting worse and worse. During this time I sold numerous goods to finance gambling, including two cars. I had no aversion to taking money that I knew was not mine to take. My gambling also saw the breakdown of all personal relationships around me. My performance at work was so erratic that I was under the threat of disciplinary action and I actually owed the company sick leave and annual leave. But all the way through this time, gambling was the only reason that I existed. To place the next bet was the only object in my life. Perhaps it was the added stress of closet gambling or just the fact that my gambling activity was escalating but I was suffering physically, mentally, financially and spiritually. I was underweight and was suffering the ill health effects of malnutrition and sleep depravation. I could not concentrate on anything as the compulsion to gamble pervaded all my waking thoughts. I was flat broke and the debts just seemed to grow exponentially. As far as spirituality was concerned, I had no concept of the word. My life was so horrible that I hated everybody and everything in my life. I had become a bitter, self-confessed Atheist. I was incapable of feeling emotions and refused to accept any. The thought of suicide was becoming a regular contemplation as a way to end the turmoil.

That brings me to the most ironic day of my life so far. December 15th (Monday), 1997. I was desperately looking for a "get -out stakes". I had deluded my self that one big win was all I needed to change my life. I spent all afternoon 'arranging' as much money as I could. I was going to win a fortune and move to a new town where my life would start again. I bought two pillows and a sleeping bag from Target. Without eating, I then proceeded to enter a Poker Machine venue and witness my dream come to life (I had forgotten all the other times this was supposed to happen). A few short hours later I walked out with the same result; losing everything. My best efforts at gambling yielded one of my worst results ever. I felt as if someone had torn my guts out. When I got home, I was to discover that a family member had found financial statements that showed a sorry 'money-trail' record of my recent gambling activities. I was convinced I had thrown them out!

With the accusations flying, I felt as if I was a rabbit caught in a spotlight. I tried desperately to think of another lie but drew a blank. It was like my brain had suddenly deserted me under the pressure. Then the unbelievable happened. I started crying like a newborn baby. With the sickening realisation that I had been wrong for such a long time, years of pain seemed to flood out of me all at once. I made a phone call that night to a referral service. Once again, I burst into more tears as I pleaded for help and began to tell some of my story. The operator told me I needed to get to a meeting of Gamblers Anonymous. I asked "What is Gamblers Anonymous?" I attended my first Gamblers Anonymous two days later; December 17th (Wednesday) 1997 in _____________. I was 22 and a half years old.

As I write this small piece of my story (16/12/2000), I realise that it is the eve of my third anniversary since placing a bet of any kind. I know that my miracle of recovery has only been achievable through God (as I understand Him) and an active involvement with the Fellowship. I owe my life today to Gamblers Anonymous . Although I am far from being anywhere near a perfect person, I know now that the program is working in my life and I have an unquestioned faith in God (as I understand Him). I have learnt to love those that I meet in the Fellowship as members of my new family, complete with all our imperfections and frailties. And today, I am able to have some manageability in my life and develop meaningful relationships with other human beings. And the best thing is, it keeps getting better "One day at a time". Welcome back to the human race.

Travis

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