Gamblers Anonymous

Andy's Story
Andy : 16th May 2004

My English parents worked overseas for a multinational corporation and I was born into an expatriate community of about two thousand.

At the age of eleven I went to a boarding school in England. This was the accepted practice because there were no English speaking secondary schools on the island. Shortly afterwards my parents separated and my mother returned to a large city in northern England. I thought that our new financial circumstances would force me to leave the boarding school and go to a local state school. This would end my privileged and sheltered upbringing. However, my mother was able to obtain a scholarship. This might have solved my fears of being picked on at a less exclusive school but created other problems.

I was aware that I was the poorest boarder in my year. This may have contributed to the financial aspects of my compulsive gambling. I was upset that I had lost my original friends through my parents' divorce. I knew that any friends I made I was likely to lose when I left school. I didn't want that pain again so I protected myself by not getting too close to my new school friends.

I have also heard that teenage boys without fathers often develop emotional problems. I don't know how much a lack of a father affected me but I certainly developed emotional problems. As my school marks worsened I felt more and more guilty about not taking the academic opportunity my mother was sacrificing so much for. But this led to more guilt and poorer performance.

My mother's father enjoyed gambling on the horses but did not have a problem. As a child I had gambled within the family but I date my compulsive gambling from my first visit to a betting shop. This was English Derby day when I was fifteen. I looked the most likely to pass for eighteen so I placed bets for myself and two friends. After that I gambled almost as regularly as I could afford and my gambling was out of control before term ended six weeks later. By the time I left school a year later I could have answered yes to at least seventeen of the twenty questions.

At sixteen I obtained a job during the summer holidays. My gambling increased in line with my new finances and I knew that I would not return to school because I did not want to return to previous limited gambling opportunities. My exam marks were poor so I would probably have left school anyway.

Again, I was soon gambling beyond my means. I was paid on Thursday and broke by Saturday. I lied about my age to open a telephone credit account with a national bookmaker. This meant that I could gamble Monday to Wednesday and settle the debt (or collect the winnings) the following week. Within six months the account was closed because I was five times the limit in debt.

I struggled on for several years borrowing from workmates. The first few times I borrowed off someone I always repaid on time. Gradually, after I had established credibility (and further debts) with that person, I became less prompt but I was skilled at juggling finances so that my usual targets continued to lend because they knew I would repay.

I developed a reputation for always trying to borrow. I would approach a colleague and ask if he had seen the football last night. He would smile and say "I haven't got any money. I know John has. Try him". After a few brief words about the football and denying I was after money I would leave to try to find John.

In my early twenties the rest of my family migrated to Australia. I moved into a boarding house. I continued to gamble most of my money and usually had trouble paying the landlord. I was glad that I didn't smoke and drank black coffee. As long as I had a loaf of bread, something to put on it and a jar of coffee I could survive most of the week. There would have been more days I went without eating than without gambling.

I remember one particular occasion when the landlord complained that I did not have the rent. I explained that I picked up my dole cheque at ten o'clock on Wednesday morning. I said that the only way I might be able to stay at the boarding house was if I cooked a meal. I had not cooked a meal during the three years I had been there but was prepared to do that if he came around at eleven o'clock to collect his money. Amazingly, he agreed. I would be eating my meal planning my gambling hoping he would not turn up because the racing looked easy that day or praying he would because picking winners looked difficult. As far as I can remember he always turned up.

When I was twenty-five I was retrenched. I was told nine months in advance that I would be retrenched and decided to join my family in Australia. If I stayed in England I knew it was only a matter of time before I became homeless and unemployable. Once down I doubted that I could recover. I was about to receive three times the airfare to Australia and I knew I would never have that much money again.

Also, in England horse racing was a major part of my life. I had followed it obsessively for ten years. I thought that if I moved to new country where I knew nothing about the horse racing I would be able to stop. I forgot that I had placed many bets in races where there was little or no form. One year I had bet on there being a White Christmas because it was the only action I could get on Christmas Day. To win at least one snowflake had to fall on the roof of the Meteorological Office in London during the twenty-four hours of Christmas Day. I lived two hundred miles away and was more interested in the weather in London than anything happening at home. I even placed a bet on the Cardinal of Milan being elected Pope. Somehow I thought I would not gamble unless I knew what I was doing. I also had no idea about the emotional side of compulsive gambling.

When I arrived in Australia I hardly gambled for the first three years. During this time my drinking got out of control and, when I decided to address the drinking, my compulsive gambling returned.

From my previous history I knew that borrowing to gamble was a sign that my gambling was out of control. I believed that most people, ie at least 51%, perhaps only once in their lives, had problems paying for their accommodation. Therefore, I rationalised that it was perfectly acceptable for me to lose my wages on payday and then borrow it pay board to my mother. But I refused to borrow to gamble.

Within six months I was ready for GA. My debts were not overwhelming, but rock bottom is more a state of mind than a state of pocket.

My first meeting was on a Wednesday. I had not gambled since the previous Saturday. I felt that I did not belong because I had over three years of very occasional gambling before the recent six months. I had also managed four days without gambling prior to the meeting. The fact that I had no money because I had lost two weeks pay in three days was irrelevant. I thought that the other members, being real compulsive gamblers, would see four days abstinence as a sure sign of a lack of a problem. However, I continued to attend both local meetings and abstained from gambling.

After a while a new secretary was needed at one of the meetings. Several members declined and then someone nominated me. I said that I only had five months abstinence and six was required for a secretary. One older member then said that the six months was a guideline. He said that I was a regular, reliable member of the group and was well respected. I was elected secretary. This meant that they actually wanted me to attend each week. It wasn't them who didn't like me and thought I shouldn't be there. It was me.

I learned that recovery was threefold - physical, mental and spiritual. As well as stopping the physical act of gambling I had to clear my head and my heart of gambling. I cannot have quality recovery if I continually think about gambling or want to gamble.

I was told a story of three men who went for a job as chauffeur for a woman who lived at the top of a steep hill with sheer cliffs on hairpin bends. The first applicant said "I am such a good driver we can go six inches from the edge and you will be safe". The second said "I can go within three inches in safety". The third said "I will stay as far from the edge as I can". I treat gambling the same way.

I still enjoy other sports but decided that I would by either Saturday's or Sunday's papers, not both. This way I avoided making mind bets and checking the results. On other days it was easier not to look at the racecards. If I did, I would not buy the following day's paper.

By accepting GA's guidelines about what constitutes gambling, I am accepting GA's help without reservation. I fully belong within the fellowship. If I openly participated in (supposedly) harmless types of gambling I would be questioned by other members. If I participated and was not open about it I would be lying by omission. My recovery would be affected. I have found it easier to be honest when I have nothing to hide.

I never had money for stocks and shares. I rarely bought lottery tickets. I feel if I can take or leave them I am not losing by leaving them. If I can't take or leave them I should definitely leave them.

At a function a few years ago, I was asked if I had a ticket for the lucky door prize. I said I don't gamble. The person laughed and said the tickets were free. I said I realised the tickets were free but my mind would be in gambling mode when I watched the winning ticket being drawn.

On another occasion, after a particularly busy period, my employer decided to include all staff in a draw as a show of appreciation. I was emailed my numbers. I replied "Could you please remove me from the draw. For personal reasons I do not take part in any form of gambling, including free competitions. I hope you do not take offence at this. I think it is a good way to reward staff for recent efforts. It is just that I don't take part in games of chance". I received the following reply. "No offence taken. I admire a person who has principles and lives by them". The organiser of the draw had no interest in why I didn't gamble.

These can also distract me living normally. If I decided that I want an extra thousand dollars to help pay bills at Christmas I should save twenty dollars a week. It might seem harmless to alter this to fifteen dollars savings and a five dollar lottery ticket. I might also decide to put any minor prizes into my savings. Even if I win nothing I can still cover most of my bills. This will work for normal people but might not work for me. It wont be long before I stop thinking of the $750 I am saving for Christmas and start thinking I might be millionaire tomorrow. Then I would question why am I saving a modest amount for some far distant event. Sooner or later I would stop saving. Far fetched? Perhaps, but if I stay away from lotteries I know I can save the money to reduce the strain of Christmas.

The percentage of people affected by these forms of gambling may be lower than racing, casinos and machines but some people have still got into trouble. Can I be certain that it would not happen to me? No, I am much safer staying away from the cliff.

I argued that I could not do the program because of the 'God stuff'. I was told that most newcomers don't have a working relationship with a higher power but if I did the program I would find my God. I was still opposed to organised religion. However, I had nothing, other than the GA twelve steps , on which to build my recovery.

This made me to look at the fourth step. To push me into writing a fourth step I set a date for my fifth step. I then attempted to write my life story, but by the time I was due to do the fifth step I had only written into my teens. This proved more than satisfactory. With the help of an experienced older member I was able to see patterns. I realised that I had not made thousands of mistakes. I had made the same mistakes thousands of times. As a thirty year old I was still reacting to situations in ways that I reacted at fifteen, ten, even eight years old. The situations appeared different but there were similarities, particularly in how I handled them. As I struggled to change in steps six and seven I experienced a real change in attitudes. I saw that, although I had problems as a teenager and life had not been fair, there was nothing I could do to change the past. I could continue to stand on life's sidelines cursing my luck or I could join the human race. By joining in I soon lost that feeling of always missing out. I no longer felt that everyone else got more than me. I even saw that often I was extremely well treated and a lot of my free-floating resentment disappeared.

I was then able to repair relationships with others. The most damaged relationships were with my family, particularly my mother. For several years in recovery I had only minimal contact. I no longer rang up for bailouts so that they knew something had changed. Contact gradually increased and there is now a healthy relationship between an independent seventy-five year old woman and her forty-three year old son.

I have been married for thirteen years. Before I stopped gambling it was impossible for me to start yet alone maintain a relationship. My wife knows my past but has not known me as an active compulsive gambler.

The last three steps are often called the maintenance steps. I prefer to call them the growth steps because I continue to grow as I face new situations. My life is now more demanding and more satisfying than it was even five years ago. Without being harsh on myself, I can review my actions, ask for strength and guidance and go about my business in the world.

In early childhood I was a God fearing Catholic. I rebelled and became a God fearing atheist. Later I decided there was no proof either way and became a God fearing agnostic. Nowadays, I consider myself a God trusting agnostic. I don't know if God created me or I created God and I don't think that matters. What matters is that I have an understanding of God's will for me (ie what I need to do) and the power to carry that out. Through the steps I found a faith that works.

I find there is a lot of goodwill amongst other people. They are usually well meaning and I don't need to defend myself anywhere near as often as I thought. This is because my attitudes have changed. This new life has been given to me by the older members of the fellowship. They asked nothing for themselves. The only payment they ask is that I give to the newcomers what was given to me.

7/2/01

back | top